The Grief of Motherhood

I’m pretty sure I’ve read similar thoughts before. Maybe before I was in this season and so I didn’t share it at the time but these thoughts sound familiar to me. Having lost family members and friends in life and watching others lose spouses or children, I want to say that I chose the word grief because of what it encompasses but every grief is different and I in no way intend to take away from the heart wrenching loss of life if you or someone you love has experienced it. But grief comes from loss. And I guess loss of time is what I am “grieving”. I also labeled this “motherhood” because I am thinking specifically of the boys at this moment but I think many people experience this with aging parents, getting older themselves and more. We have had the boys a little over a year now. In that time they have both experienced so much growth both mentally and physically. It’s been so fun to see them learn and improve in various areas. It’s also brought more emotion than I knew could fit in my body. I am so unbelievably proud of them and amazed by them and all the while saddened over the stage they leave behind in their growth. I used to listen to songs like Trace Adkins’ You’re Going to Miss This and read similar thoughts from various authors of blogs and articles. I never read them thinking very much further about the topic. Maybe a little “hmmm…. Sad” and moved on.

The boys came to work with me one time and were running up and down the hall and a coworker commented on how sad it was when little toddlers don’t “toddle” anymore. Their little running footsteps don’t sound the same. And that nearly broke me because even though subconsciously I knew this to be true- hearing their little footsteps beside me is one of the greatest joys of life and I had never yet considered that it wouldn’t sound that way forever.

They are starting to to talk and it’s making my heart burst to hear them say “wuv you” and “bye mamma!” And I know that it will still be just as precious as they get older and “wuv you” turns into “love you” and “bye mamma” turns into “bye mom” (or maybe I’ll just get whatever the current slang is at the time) but I know for a fact I am going to miss these little mispronunciations in my core. So now, as the season is changing and I’m moving out their summer clothes and hanging up their winter clothes I am suddenly overcome with sadness as I fold up their little shirts knowing this time next year they may not fit. What a blessing! We want our kids to grow up big and strong. But also what a loss this little tiny t shirt makes me feel. I feel a deep need to write down every memory and capture every moment so one day I can look back and tell them all they did and said before they made little memories of their own. And I feel an absolute sense of wonder as I think about who they will be when they grow up and what our relationship will look like and how their little personalities will develop. And then I cry over time lost that hasn’t even come or passed yet. And I think to myself that I may be certifiably insane (verdicts still out on that) but I also think that maybe it is just the [ beautiful] grief of motherhood.