Submit. Pray. Trust.

My regular readers know 2022 was a year of death, waiting, prayers and No’s. I ended the year in a bitter place and I knew it was going to take some work, study, and change on my part to keep from continuing on the path my heart was on. It wasn’t long into my studying that I realized a recurring theme in the lesson I needed to learn (among many small lessons along the way) was that of submission, prayer, and trust.

In 2023, Matt and I went through testing and various appointments to find our course for starting a family. It ended with our options being IVF or adoption. If you’ve been through the process yourself or know anyone who has then you know that neither option is guaranteed to have the outcome you desire and both can be a financial strain. Both options for us would have been a one-shot go. If it didn’t work out, we’d be behind financially on top of the emotional toll it would take to have our hopes fall through. And that, friends, is how we arrived at fostering. Fostering is also not guaranteed, but it’s not necessarily a financial “strain”. In our circles we know of more successful foster-to-adopt stories than we do private adoption success stories. It felt like a rational decision and after much discussion and prayer it felt like the right decision for our family. I do not intend to turn this blog into a fostering blog, but since I’ve been sharing my journey of spiritual growth with you guys, I found it interesting that at the end of 2023 I knew I needed to work on submission, prayer and trust and unintentionally (as far as how I was going to work on learning those things) walked myself right into a situation where all I can do is submit, pray, and trust. 

I was raised in a Christian home and I attended church all my life. Deciding to be baptized and become a Christian for myself did not require a radical change of my lifestyle. I have made mistakes and I have learned as I’ve grown, but I’ve always sort of operated within a certain moral code and had a basic understanding of “serving God”. But I’ve also been influenced by culture whether I meant to be or not. It took going through 2022 for me to realize that my priorities, heart, and direction were not what God wanted from me… but they also weren’t inherently evil. It’s hard enough to stop doing the things we want to do when we know they are evil. It’s really hard to stop doing things we want, the way we want, and living for self when we think we are generally doing things that are ok at the least, and in some cases, even good for us and our families. Additionally, it’s hard to untangle ourselves from worldly definitions and visuals of success and identity and embrace Godly definitions of each. All of this requires submission to God and His will. Over the course of 2023 I was working on myself, changing my priorities, and attempting to learn how to reconfigure my identity to live for God’s will and not my own. I progressed by leaps and bounds in changing my perspective, but I hadn’t made a ton of forward progress in the act of a submissive mindset. Fast forward to September 17, 2024. 

I think in most ways, fostering is a lot like regular parenting so I don’t want to act like other parents have it easier. Regardless of how you become a parent, when a baby enters your home- reality is going to look different than what you pictured and planned. But whereas most parents are doing things and having experiences that mentally and emotionally prepare them to welcome their little one over the course of 9 months, we attended 6 classes in May, completed some paperwork and had a few visits with our social worker in June and then heard nothing until we received a call on September 16th saying we were approved and asking us to take in 18 month old twins. In fact we were encouraged early on not to get the room ready since we didn’t know age or gender and were told that there weren’t even really “milestone” books we could start reading or researching because kids that have experienced trauma are not at the same developmental level as their peers of the same age. I started buying a few necessities (think carseat, bath supplies etc)  in August because I knew we would be hearing something eventually and I couldn’t go on any longer without preparing in some small way. Even so,  in less than 24 hours I went from doing what I want when I want and how I want to the inability to eat more than one meal a day ( two scrambled eggs at 6 AM), a DESTROYED house (like things were broken. I am not exaggerating) and necessary tasks that used to take 5 seconds were actually incomprehensible to me. I never envisioned becoming a parent and having all kinds of hobbies and “Me time”, but I did expect to be able to adjust as seasons changed and to grow into the chaos. On a day early on that that was more difficult than the regular difficult days I had a moment where I shouted (to no one in particular (is that a sign of insanity?)) “ I don’t matter anymore!” Was that dramatic? Yes. But also I was tired, sick, so hungry, and mentally, physically, and emotionally overwhelmed. I was literally trying to just live through a time when I was suddenly and radically forced to put the needs of two very busy and very needy little guys before every single one of my needs and wants. When we submit to God we have to die to ourselves. That is probably a never ending battle for us as it defies basic human nature, but I can now say that I did take a violent crash course in dying to self recently and it was so, so, painful… but once I accepted that fact, things changed. Because when you make the statement that you don’t matter anymore it opens up the questions “Who does matter? Who am I? And What is my purpose?”  In this example I’ve given, you’d think my new answers would be “these boys, their mom, and taking care of them” in that respective order, but I believe because I was in the midst of soul searching already, I was able to apply the studying I’d already been doing and go a little deeper with these thoughts to get to the root of the question and answer “God, A follower of Christ, and God’s will” instead. I’m not saying I’ve figured it out or have perfectly implemented submission in my life. What I am saying is that it took an uphill battle of survival, and two of the cutest, havoc - wreaking little boys to make me realize that most of my needs are actually wants and that I do matter, but in a different way than the way the world tells me I matter and that earthly identities don’t mean zilch. When I reframe my worldview, goals, daily activities and To Do list through this lens, I actually have not only a sense of peace, but I also feel stronger, more competent, and more fulfilled because what he asks of me is actually pretty simple. Submit. Pray. Trust.

By the end of 2022, my prayer life was hovering on nonexistent.  I didn’t want it to stay that way but I also didn’t really know what to say to God anymore. With the beginning of our fostering journey, I started to have fears and doubts as one does with any major life change. Sitting through classes on trauma and approaching this major life change knowing that Matt and I needed to be strong and united gave me requests and needs I could only turn to God for help with.  I would say everything I prayed was brought forth in sincerity, but I don’t know that I fully trusted I would get what I needed in response after I prayed or that the situation would work out. In fact any peace I felt in the early days of starting the fostering licensing was a direct result from knowing Matt was the one beside me in this and that this was a holy (maybe not the right word?) endeavor.  And then 9-17-24 came about and there were these two little boys in our home playing with toys, wandering every inch of the house, babbling to each other and to us, looking to us to figure things out, and smiling at us until they fell asleep…and I have never prayed a more sincere prayer in my life than I did that night and every single day that has followed since. There was no faking it till I made it or questioning. It was just instant and fervent prayers offered up on their behalf about meeting their needs, loving them right, raising them well, and who they will become someday. God has already provided for us in countless ways through many of our friends and overwhelmingly through our church family. I am seeing him at work daily in my life. I still have a lot of questions about prayer and God’s action in response to our prayer. But I am coming to him regularly, in appreciation, in sincerity, and even in desperation at moments. And the desire to talk to Him more has spread into other areas of my life besides the boys. It is changing me, my relationship with Him, and ultimately dependence on Him and trust in Him. 

When you start the fostering process they will tell you right out of the gate that they are not an adoption agency and the first goal will always be reunification. They will tell you communication is a struggle and to expect to have no expectations. Which makes going into this with the hope of adopting a little unsettling. I can’t and don’t want to share details of the boy's case publicly but I will say that there are several reasons we took them, but one of them was that the details available to us surrounding their case were looking pretty positive for adoption (not our words). Even so, there is a process that must be followed. It’s one thing to be told this before you have a child in your home. It’s another thing to have a child (or TWO!) in your home, have bonded with the child, and to watch the legal process play out. We had a visit with their social worker Friday. It went well. He cares about the boys and is being careful to make sure they get what they need and deserve. But we still had to have conversations about the “process” that were a little discouraging and eye opening to us that served as a reminder that we are still very early in this process and things could go a number of ways still. I’ve got a lot of room to grow in submission, prayer, and trust. And if things don’t go the way I hope they will, then I might find myself back to where I was at the end of 2022 and having to start every lesson I’ve learned so far all over again. But, there is this small voice inside of me. It’s constant and it just keeps repeating, “It’s ok. God’s got this.” I’m a pretty positive person and I come from a long line of female worriers so a lot of times when news seems bleak I tend to find myself reassuring others that it’s ok and we don’t “need to worry until we know for a fact we need to worry”. But this voice isn’t mine. The words of reassurance aren’t my typical internal monologue and they come with this sense of peace that I can’t explain other than… I trust God to do what needs to be done for His kingdom, for these boys, and for our family if we allow Him to do it. 

I don’t know why I am sharing this at this point in time. Is it really a testimony if you haven’t made it through the other side of the trial? Is it really helpful or encouraging to you if your situation isn’t the same as mine? All I know is that I wasn’t in a good place. But I decided I didn’t want to stay there and I did some work on myself. In my study I kept coming back to the theme of “submit, pray, trust” and now I am watching this theme play out in my life and I feel hopeful and at peace about how things will go. They say don’t pray for patience because you will get trials. I say I shouldn’t have said I need to “learn” submission, prayer, and trust because that means I am going to get taught! But, If I am going to have to learn a difficult lesson, then I am at least lucky that my co-teachers are pretty cute.